Hey Champ, just kidding!

Hi Steve.  Could  you take a look at this spreadsheet for me?  It has your total deals and commisions from last year.  I want to make sure we're not missing anything. Get that to me ASAP.

"Ok boss!  Anything for you!  Ok let's see...Ok yeah looks ok so far...hmm..let's look at this "summary" area....hmmm...what's this?  Says here I was 104% to goal...wow didn't think I did that well....and that I'm supposed to get a..$10,000 bonus?....wow!  That's amazing!  That's so cool of my company to adjust my goals to make me do better than I really did!

Hey Boss, spreadsheet looks good.  By the way, thanks for that $10,000 and for putting me at 104% to goal!  I can really use that money right now, you know, times are tough.

"Ummm, what are you talking about Steve?  I didn't actually create the spreadsheet.  Let me take a look.  Hmmm, ok yeah No.  This isn't accurate.  I don't know why she calculates the numbers like that.  Stupid whore.  She may not be able to count, but she sure can suc... nevermind.  

Umm, hmm, yeah that's all wrong.  Yeah you are definitley not that good.  But thanks for checking.  Sorry....why are you still standing here?  Don't you have work to do?  You ok Steve?  You look a little...upset.  Oh I bet it was because of that hour long commute this morning.  I heard some asshole in an SUV was going 90 and had a head on collision.  That sucks.  yeah you have those types of commutes a lot.  Well, we really appreciate you driving all the way out here.  But hey, maybe you'll make goal next year! But probably not, you know how we are, NO ONE hits it!  Hahahaha isn't that funny?!"

My SUV makes me invincible

I fucking love my SUV!  It gets 5mpg, but I just put my gas on my credit card and just pay off the interest!  I love just changing lanes in traffic without looking!  People will respect me on the road because my ride is so huge!  It's raining and snowing outside, fucking awesome!  I'm going to go 90mph because I have 4 wheel drive and there's no way I'll lose control!  I'll be safe because I drive a tank!  Oh, hey buddy, you want over?  Oh, that's nice, you put your blinker on.  Well guess what, fuck you buddy!  I'm going to speed up and make sure  you don't get in front of ME!  Listen to the Hemi baby!  Uh oh, I just lost traction!  Whoa, I just tipped over!  There must be something wrong with my 4 wheel drive!  I'm not worried though, I'm in a motherfucking american made steel tank!  Yeaaaah!  I just flipped over the guard rail!  I'm just going to unbuckle my seatbelt just to prove how safe my SUV is!  Here comes a semi truck!  He's going to fucking nail me!  I bet you two red bull and vodkas that he just bounces right off of me!  Oh shit!  Where the fuck am I?  I'm plastered to the semi's grill!  My SUV is so safe that it must have ejected me from the truck to save my life!  Fucking awesome!  Damn look at that traffic jam!  I bet everyone is going to be so happy because they won't be at work because they are sitting there.  And it's all because of me and my awesome SUV!

Elevator

So this morning I was waiting for the elevator.  Now, I live on the 18th floor of a 21 floor building, and the building is a little old, so it can take a while for the elevator to come.  After about 7 minutes it finally reaches me and I get on.  There's some dude on there with a little brat, and some chick that he's trying really hard to hit on and impress.  At fucking 8am in the morning.  Dude: "hey little buddy, who are YOUR cheering for this weekend"  scared little kid:  "umm, Cardinals?"  Dude:  "me too!" To girl:  "so, are you celebrating the festivities this weekend?".... Jesus christ.  Maybe if the woman he was hitting on was attractive I could understand his lame attempts at being suave on the elevator at 8am in the morning.  But the girl looked like she was the lovechild of When Harry Met Sally's retarded inbred cousin.

So I'm standing there, waiting, trying to think about how I can't wait to go home (and this is about 30 minutes into my day) and the elevator is stopping on every other fucking floor.  In a 21 floor building, and I've got to get to the G2 garage level.  FUCK!  So eventually I'm ALMOST there, when it stops on floor 2.  The next floor down is the main level, L.  So I'm thinking, this guy must be going down to the garages, that's ok.  Dude gets on.  It isn't looking good.  He's a fatty.  It looked like it was a lot of effort for him to walk from the hallway to get on the elevator.  You better NOT get off on L....doors close...moving...elevator stops on L....motherfucker gets off!!!  Coming from the 18th floor, stopping at every other floor, having to listen to douchey behind me hit on dogface and snot-nosed kid coughing his 3rd grade germs on my freshly pressed pants, and I have to stop on the second floor so that you can take the elevator down ONE level?  Have you ever wondered why you have a weight problem?  Is it because are allergic to MOVING?  Maybe you actually like not being able to see your penis?  You guys can also file this one on "Things that make me go "fuck!".  I was sorely tempted to say something like "Really dude?  Reeeeally?"  But I'm a calm and nice person so I was contempt in imagining grabbing his ear, dragging him to the busy intersection with lots of bus traffic, wait for the red hand to go up on the crosswalk, point, and go "Walk!" 

Finally I made it down to G2.  I get off, and I shit you not, I almost slipped and broke my back.   Instead of mopping the marble floor properly so it dries quickly, Jose was tired, so Jose just dumped a bucket of water on the marble and put up a yellow sign at the far end of the corridor where no one walking off of the elevator could see it.  That's very clever of you Jose.  I mean hey, if you're going to mop floors for a living, why not be the best motherfucking floor mopper that ever lived right?

Finally I made it into the sanctuary of my Infiniti.  Jose gives me a scolding look as I drive by him.....  There is an idea of a Steve Adkins; some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me: only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable... I simply am not there. (that's for you, Shino)

My Evite is sooo popular!

Yay!  I'm so excited to create this evite for Jen's partaay!  OMG she will be so shocked and happy when she sees it!  I'm going to find a less than flattering picture of her and put it on there for everyone to see!  I'm so clever!  She looks so fat and puffy in that picture though, I hope it doesn't make her go on a coke binge and not eat for a week like last time!  

I'm going to copy every single email address I've ever come across and send this to them!  Wow, 1,533 people on the evite!  I really hope Ben in in the marketing department shows up.  Stacy said she needs to get laid this weekend and Ben is such a man-whore, those two would be perfect!!  

Us ladies are going to look sooo hot for Jen's party!  We're all going to have a secret girls-only dinner beforehand so we can talk about how hot we are and who has gained the most weight!  Of course we will all snort adderall before dinner so we will fill up on salad (no bread, can't have any carbs!).  Then we'll just drink wine (I so love my red!) and get so shitfaced!

I'm going to invite Jen's ex boyfriend Luke so I can make it totally awkward for them!  That would be hilarious!  But really I just want to give Luke a BJ like I used to do when he and Jen were together!  If she only knew!

I need to think of something clever to say on the evite!  I know!  ..."Can you all believe Jen has made it to 35?  Good thing she lost all that weight!  We all know her secret so I'll just say she likes to go skiing a lot!  N E ways, I hope you all can make it for Jens night of debauchery!  P.S.  Please bring with you $300 cash so you can cover the cost of us getting the 5 tables, thanks!!"

Ok, clicking send now!  I can't wait for the next bday, yay!

Hyperbole

I just wanted to thank everyone for the mostly positive response I've gotten so far.  What's been somewhat surprising to me is that my friends that know me are so shocked when they read my blog.  Sometimes things are painfully obvious to me but I do a poor job of communicating my idea to others.  So let me just state for the record that this blog is meant to be humorous, vulgar, shocking, and entertaining.  If you laughed, commented, or got any sort of emotional reaction than I have done my job.  I think that some people were a little shocked and put off because they know me, and they know that I'm not really like this in real life.  I'm probably one of the nicest and laid-back people you'll ever meet.  I love everybody.  I started this blog to amuse myself, and hopefully others.  I use a lot of sarcasm, hyperbole, and tounge-in-cheek.  Think of it as the writers for Southpark don't really hate Canadians; they just think it's funny to rip on Canada all of the time.  If people laugh at that, then that's what they wanted to do.  If people that don't know me think this is the real me, that's ok.  I don't know them.  But for those of you that do know me, hopefully you understand what I'm trying to accomplish.  If you don't, go jump in front of a bus.  ;)

Mothafuckin Crock Pot!

So for those of you who don't know, I have ADD.  This shit can be hilarious sometimes, and I encourage you all to ridicule me.  One of the hallmarks is impulsiveness (aka the creating of this fucking blog).  It can be both good and bad, but quite amusing.  I also have a complete lack of organization, so take an impulsive person but take away any organizing of the impulsivness and hilarity ensues.  Take for example my trip to Target today.  I had the impulse to buy a crock pot.  Don't fucking ask me why, it just sounded like something I HAD to have.  The thought of having pot roast for days on end kept appearing in my mind.  So check out the receipt from my 20 minute Target visit:

1.  Crock Pot (yes!  I got it!)

2.  Beard and body hair trimmer (I'm a hairy son of a bitch, some special person in my life may want me to do something about it)

3.  Kitty food (I went down to the little store in my building yesterday to get her some food and they only had canned food.  So I just got her one can, thinking I would make it to the store later on to get her the usual dry food.  Bad idea.  Of course that didn't happen so kitty hasn't eaten yet.  Kitty takes nasty shits and makes me clean it up so kitty can wait a few fucking hours)

3.  Kitty Litter (because kitty for some reason doesn't like the new litter I bought her, so I have to give her a different kind.  Kitty sounds a lot like my ex girlfriend)

4.  A microwave meal (because I forgot to eat any breakfast and I was fucking starving, and I'm a fat ass)

5.  Diet Pepsi Max (because I didn't take my medication today and had only had 3 cups of coffee, so I needed more caffiene.  Plus I like that shit.

6.  Piece of Mind knowing that I finally got that motherfucking Crock Pot!!!

Degradation

Ok people.  My post below about Obama was on the more serious side.  Now it's time to get back to the fun stuff.  First off, I want to thank all of my wonderful friends who give me plenty of fodder to rant and rave about.  My friends are fucking crazy.  They work hard and party harder.  They get beach houses in the summer and start drinking at 10am.  They are good people and are the most fun group of people to be around.  Most of the time...

I've generally recieved a positive response from people about my blog, from both men and women.  I'm truly flattered by it and it gives me a hard on.  But then some people have mentioned that "Steve, your blog is degrading to women.  We all thought you were such a nice and sweet guy, blah blah blah".  While this person is saying this to me, I'm thinking "man I have got to take a huge shit, I wonder if the bathroom has one of those attendants in it, man I hate that".  I eventually begin paying attention again, and casually asked "Seriously?  Well, have you even read it?"  The response I get "Well, um, no not really, but people have told me it was".  Are you fucking kidding me?  My blog was never degrading to women, but it might begin to right at this moment.  Have you guys ever heard of Tucker Max?  Google him and read his blog.  Now that guy is "degrading" towards women.  But he's also fucking hilarious.  In fact, he has become somewhat famous and has a few best-selling books precisely because he is a genuine asshole, and it's great stuff.  I mean, he hooked up with a fat chick then made her leave through his window because he didn't want his roommates to see her.  That shit is golden.  And I took notes on it.  But it's not really degrading.  It's truth.  It's probably geared towards a more male audience, but that doesn't mean women don't have their version of it.  You could make the same argument about Sex in the City.  For every guy that goes and hooks up with random girl at the bar and boasts to his buddies about it (or tries to sneak her out when no one is looking) and "degrades" women, there's a woman behind it.  Sex in the City is basically the female version of the story.  But I don't think it degrades men or women.  In fact I'm willing to bet women's conversations are just as bad as men's when it comes to stuff like that, but if a woman were to start a blog like Tucker Maxes, then she would be labled a whore or slut.  I think that's the degrading part.  The double standard of it all.   

I think rap music videos are degrading towards women.  But I like to watch them.  Alone.  In the dark.  It's better than shows that are degrading to society in general, like American Idol or Are You Smarter than a Fifth grader.  It seems that anything that people say is degrading towards women involves sex.  I like sex, a lot, so I like a lot of stuff that is degrading towards women I guess.   I mean, I was in 7th grade, sitting on the bus, listening to the Snoop Dog album on my Walkman going "When I met you last night baybaaaay, before you op-ened up yo' gaaap.  I had respect for you laydaaay, but now I take it all baaack".  Should I blame Snoop for this?  Or maybe we should blame black people!  Because, you know, us white people have music like "She's Only 17" by Kings of Leon, or "Rape Me" by Nirvana.  No people.  It's our Puritan, protestant past that we can blame for demonizing anything sexual between men and women, and calling it degrading.

You know what's really degrading?  Covering women from head to toe in a piece of cloth to take away her identity.  Or not letting a woman be educated simply because she is a woman.  Or forcing her to marry some 45 year old fat dude when she is 13.  Or female castration.  Or working for less wages than men.  Or beating the shit out of a woman.  Or stoning her because she was raped.  Or rape.  Or forced prostitution.  These are the things that are truly degarding to women and if people focused on that and get off their moral high horse, the world would be better for it.

Now if you excuse me, there are reruns from back in 1995 of "MTV Dance" on right now, and it's the Spring break edition.  Turning off the lights, closing the blinds....awww yeah.

Obama is the new Jesus

Obama Mothafuckas!  Obama!  Get me a job!  Lower my taxes!  Get me laid!  Solve the Israeli/Palestinian conflict!  Solve Global Warming!  Cure my herpes!  Bless me, Obama!

Ok people, seriously, get real.  I like Obama, I voted for him.  I think he has the potential to be a good President, if not a great one.  But the man is a professional politician just like his predecors.  Just because he talks about change in his rhetoric doesn't mean he'll actually change a whole lot.  I'm worried that people have such high expectations of him.  I mean I know we've all seen him on TV or have read recently and he's trying his best to send people the message to be realistic about change, but I don't feel like when he says that he's talking to intelligent people like you and me.  We know that he can't work miracles; that he can't turn water into wine or help me figure out a more efficient method of delivering alcohol to my brain.  But I worry about all the people who voted for him because he was black, or because he promised them change.  Now they are like "ok obama, we put you in the white house, now do something for me".  The problem is, he faces such a monumental task that any change he is able to accomplish is an accomplishment in of itself.  The way things are done in Washington will go back to business as usual, mark my words.  Republicans will try and block attempts at changes in policies just because they are republican, not whether it's right or wrong.  Democrats will too.  Lobbyists will pour honey in the ears of our elected officials and continue to place corporate interests above the interests of the American people.  Meanwhile millions of people who voted for Obama are going to be sorely disappointed when Obama doesn't get them a job, doesn't make it cheaper to send their kids to school, doesn't solve this, doesn't solve that.  

So for all of you who expect Obama to do something for you, what will you do when he doesn't?  Of course, the answer is that when he's up for reelection you won't go vote for him.  The realization that our political system is so gridlocked that it's almost impossible to get anything done will hit you and our country will go back to being fat and complacent and not really giving a fuck about anything.  I think people are caught up in the cult of personality surrounding Obama mama, but it will fade.

I could be wrong.  I hope I am.  I hope that great change does happen and that this signals a paradigm shift in American policies and politics.   But I'm a realist, and I doubt this will happen.  I hate to rain on your parade people, but I get a kick out of it and it makes me feel good.

I don't give a shit what you are doing right now

Ok we are all guilty of this, myself included, but I can't help but rant on this one.  Some of our friends, and we love them, have this propensity to let us know what they are doing at every second of the day on facebook, myspace, Gchat, etc.  Hey asshole, thanks for making me feel like shit in the morning when I log on and see "Jennifer is.. soooo excited to not have to work for the next WEEK!".  Yaaaay that's AWESOME!!!  FUCK YOU!  Hey Jennifer, maybe I will call you every single morning that week when I'm stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on 395 and leave you messages giving you traffic updates.  "Hi jennifer, this is steve.  I hope you are having fun in Cancun giving blowjobs in the bathroom to some dude you met 15 minutes ago. Anyways, I wanted to let you know that the traffic BLOWS (chuckle) on 395 this morning.  Some fuckhead was talking on his cell phone while driving and rear-ended someone with a baby-on-board sticker (its cool if the dude died, i just hope that baby is ok!).  I could take an alternate route but that would mean I would get to work on time so I'm just going to sit tight.  Anyways, I'm sure your boyfriend misses you so hurry back!"

If we are all going to give each other status updates, I think we need to be more honest with each other.  Like "Ben is... taking the best shit of his life" or "Jenn is....like totally pigging out so I can vomit it up later".  I mean at least if people started doing this it would make it more interesting and I would actually care.  Mabye I can start a revolution

If you guys have any good status updates please share them here.

It's called sarcasm people

I've had a few comments with regards to me and Ben's wife fornicating.  I would  hope this is painfully obvious, but then again we are Americans and everyone that lives in this country is highly intelligent right?  No.  It's a joke between Ben and I.  I really don't go around sleeping with my friends' wives.  I may think about it on Friday night in the bathroom when I'm home alone, but I'm not really being serious people.  There are websites for that type of shit.  Ben on the other hand is completely serious and wants me to do it.  Or maybe I'm speaking tongue-in-cheek.  Getting the gist of it now?  Very good class.  Now move along.

My friend has inspired me

My buddy I work with Ben is a great guy.  He's way too smart for his job (we work at the same company and basically do the same thing), and he's got a hot wife.  He jokes about letting me bang her, but you know how sometimes comedy is truth?  I think I have about a 50/50 chance.  I really don't think he would mind since it would allow him to go and hook up with other girls.  She's pretty cool, and I have heard her tell Ben that it's ok if he makes out with other girls.  In theory it sounds like a great idea, but I can just imagine how it could get awkward really quickly.  Like "hey baby, does this feel good?"  "yeah baby, it's way deeper than Ben can go."  OR  "I'll have to have you teach Ben that technique".  No, in the end, I'll just stick to asking Ben if I can see the pics of her on his iPhone.  For those of you who know him,  just ask.  And if Karen is reading, I'm just kidding.  About the picture thing.  And the banging thing...mostly.

Anyways I'm off topic.  I wanted to say thanks to Ben for inspiring me to write this blog.  I left a post on one of his topics "getting annoyed" and decided to use that response as my first post on my shitty blog that no one will ever read.  What's great about all this is that I created this blog in about 30 minutes.  While doing so I was able to email several clients, field a few phone calls, listen to internet radio, grab lunch, take a few shits, do some online shopping, and get $10,000 of new business for my company.   In 30 minutes.  I don't know if that's talent or just me being ADD and doing 20 things at once.  I guess I can't complain.  I make a lot of money and use about 20% of my brain.  My clients are just complete idiots half of the time.  If my boss ever reads this I'm totally kidding.  I work really hard all day and never have any down time to do any of this shit.  I love my clients and go out of my way to provide the highest level of consultation and service.  Anyways, here's to you Benny boy.  You made Presidents Club, have a hot wife, own your own awesome fucking house in Bethesda, drive a BMW,  and you have a hilarious blog.  Come to think of it, I'm totally jealous of the life you live.  I'm going to add you to my list.

Things that make me go "fuck!"

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.